Battle City

They say anything seems easy until you actually try to do it. I lie. Nobody says that, I just made it up. But it's true. For me. I can't be sure for anyone else because as Mr. Descartes (see below) said, I can't be sure of anything other than the fact that I'm thinking!

But I digress... Brother and sister computer gamers, we have to admit that often we are too quick to declare a game "crap". I, for example, played Heroes V for about 10 minutes before I condemned it as a disgrace and moreover something I would never touch again. Ignoring the fact that the developers don't give a flying firetruck what I think since I play pirated versions of everything, I now realize that what I did was wrong. So so very wrong. And I will explain why.

My friends and I are trying to create a game. The ultimate game. A game that uses DotA heroes as pokemon in an attempt to rid the world of the evil sorcerer Dark Monj. We call it DOTAMON TOWER.

When we conceptualized this game we decided that its graphics and physics should be simple: Battle City-like. No problem, we thought, given the 2D-ness and ubersimplicity of the Battle City game engine. Not so. It turns out that to be able to even display a graphic in a window--a graphic that does nothing--one BILLION lines of C# must be written. Or maybe a little less. Moreover, to the common, everyday, averagely-intelligent person who speaks normal human languages, these lines make no sense. They make even less sense to myself, being a slightly mentally retarded subhuman who can only communicate through grunts and hand gestures.

I have spent hours, nay, days combing the much glorified internet for the proper way to make use of graphics. To display them, make them move, bend them to my will. Alas, to no avail. I have learned nothing. Or maybe just a little.

It makes me think, then, how brilliant the people who made Battle City must have been. To not only make such an enjoyable game but to make it run on the FamiCom. Godly. Which brings me back to Heroes V. Given the whole 3D-ness of the thing and their use of original art, one can only conclude that the people who coded it worked their asses off for this game; they must have lost at least a million times more ass than me just writing some stupid Reversi game. It's sad that Heroes V sucks so badly. However! It must still be played as a tribute to the nerds and geeks and freaks who spent hours trying to figure out the demonic hellspawn that is DirectX. My brother coders, I salute you! And lament the suckiness of your game.

Finally, I have to figure out a signing-out line. Marty has "Riding the lightning". The dude who writes leasticoulddo has "I'm still here". Ore wa? Umm... let's see... How about...


BLOGGING FOR WHAT'S RIGHT!
Thursday, August 31, 2006